?????

CONGA LINE CONFIRMATION CONTRACT

A number of years back, longtime friend/current roommate Alan told me he was going to be attending a wedding. The week before it occurred we were discussing how great we thought conga lines were and after a little bit of goading on my part, he promised me that he would try to start one up at the wedding.

The wedding came and went. I saw him afterwards and I asked him about the conga line- did it happen? How was it? Did it snake around the entire room? He said it was a great and successful conga line. Best one ever. Everybody was in it. I quizzed him a bit more and he nonchalantly answered all my questions. To quell my doubts I made him sign a contract. Without any hesitation he quadruple-signed it:

Flash forward several years later: The subject of conga lines randomly came up again in conversation one day and I reminded him of the one he started at the wedding.

"What conga line at what wedding?"

"The one I made you sign that contract for in my green notebook."

I dug out my notebook and showed him the contract. Alan thought about it for a moment,

"Oh, that never happened. There was never any conga line."

--

To be fair, around this same time that he lied about the wedding conga line to me, Alan did in fact attend a columbia film student party in the Lincoln Park neighborhood where he actually DID participate in (and helped create) a wild and frenzied conga line that involved everyone at the party snaking through room after room of the apartment as all good conga lines should do. Alan is a good guy, even if he lies about a conga line now and then.

TRASHSCAPES (ON CORTLAND)

MICROBES

In fact, there is no point in trying to hide from your bacteria, for they are on and around you always, in numbers you can't conceive. If you are in good health and averagely diligent about hygiene, you will have a herd of about one trillion bacteria grazing on your fleshy plains- about a hundred thousand of them on every square centimeter of skin. They are there to dine off the ten billion or so flakes of skin you shed every day, plus all the tasty oils and fortifying minerals that seep out from every pore and fissure. You are for them the ultimate food court, with the convenience of warmth and constant mobility thrown in. By way of thanks, they give you B.O.

- from "Small World", A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson

KITCHEN SPOCK

SOMETIMES YOU ACCIDENTALLY DRAW A NINJA

THE LAVA COMMANDMENT

THINGS TO DO AT CRACKER BARREL

You can write stories about pus:

OLMEC LIVES ON DEVON

After retiring from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

HOSPITAL DUB

Wouldn't the world be a better place if this played throughout the rooms, hallways, and lobbies of every hospital?

JESUS SUCKS

An important internet thing I remember from the early 2000's-

If you typed "www.jesussucks.com" into the URL box and hit enter, you would be referred to a splash page of links to various christian-related services with the new URL:

www.jesusdoesnotsuckheisthelord.com

It's long gone now, but I want to preserve its memory here for future internet historians.

LET'S BURN DOWN MCDONALD'S

After typing "burning mcdonalds" into the search engine I was shocked to discover an absurd amount of youtube videos depicting McDonald's fires: 

Watertown, WI (2008)

 Cincinnati, OH (2010)

Apache Junction, AZ (2008)

Butte, MT (2011)

 Central Point, OR (2010)

 Fayetteville, AK (2009)

 

Frankfort, KY (2010)

 

 Frankfort, KY (aftermath)

Frankfort, KY (news report)

Jacksonville, NC (2009)

Omak, WA (2010)

Renton, WA (2007)

Mooresville, NC (2009)

Springfield Township, OH (2010)

Tampa Bay, FL (2010)

Unknown mystery McDonald's

Melbourne, Australia (2009)

BONUS PIZZA HUT FIRE:

Guaynabo, Puerto Rico (2010)