EYEBALL INSTRUCTIONS

ALAN'S THEORY OF SLEEP CRYSTALS

XMAS GIFTS FROM DEVON AVE

NOT FOR GIRLS!

This is extremely british.

ELEPHANT HANDSTAND

Gorey:

THE CHRISTMAS AFTER LAST

 

THE ONLY THREE FOODS / USEFULNESS

5:21 AM 

 me: strugglecrisp

5:24 AM dbrouwer: thats a cereal from the 1930's, and you get it free when you go on unemployment in some former confederate states

5:25 AM me: i like that idea

 dbrouwer: they still have a silo full of it in Georgia

5:26 AM me: its non-perishable, so its not that big a deal

  someone will eat it eventually

  thats what georgia keeps telling itself

5:27 AM dbrouwer: Prospertarts

 me: thats like the opposite of strugglecrisp

5:28 AM dbrouwer: and then a product for working class people, just called "endsmeat"

 me: amazing

 dbrouwer: would be in betwix

5:29 AM if you work two jobs, you can get off strugglecrisp, and get endsmeat

5:30 AM and some day, you may just get prospertarts

 me: prospertarts are much coveted

  its like the rolls royce of foods

5:31 AM dbrouwer: immigrants hoard all their prospertarts for their children, so they never have to taste the stale strugglecrisp

5:32 AM but real americans use credit cards to buy prospertarts, when they should just stick to endsmeat

  i want this to be a book now

5:33 AM 

 dbrouwer: about the american class system for children

 me: its a compelling scenariodbrouwer: "the only three foods"

  abridged

5:34 AM dbrouwer: or it could be interactive cd-rom

  with free tribe called quest digital downloads

5:35 AM me: incrediblethe government is always trying to placate the poor people by offering them free tribe called quest download coupons in their boxes of strugglecrisp

  and they keep falling for it

  it works like a charmme: the cereal box will have this iconic depression photo on it http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/USAPlange.jpg me: but in cartoondorothea lange photo5:56 AMdbrouwer: exactly! me: but big goofy fonton top of that imageand like, mazes and fun stuff on the back5:57 AMthen there will be an adult version of struggle crisp, chock full of fiber6:13 AMallrightgood talk on socio-economically based foodsim outta here6:14 AMdbrouwer: see ya in the rain forest nightmares  ----------------
5:38 AM dbrouwer: do people use instant messaging for anything other than broken idea building?

  its 95% of my use

 me: aside from us? yes

  but for us, no

  thats our only use

 

BROC

FAMILY STRUCTURE

William Steig:

—The Art of William Steig, by Claudia J. Nahson

CITIZEN DERN

DAYTIME + NIGHTTIME

THE SQUEEZE

Plenty else can go wrong, however. In the days of diving suits— the sort that were connected to the surface by long hoses— divers sometimes experienced a dreaded phenomenon known as "the squeeze." This occurred when the surface pumps failed, leading to a catastrophic loss of pressure in the suit. The air would leave the suit with such violence that the hapless diver would be, all too literally, sucked up into the helmet and hosepipe. When hauled to the surface, "All that is left in the suit are his bones and some rags of flesh," the biologist J.B.S. Haldane wrote in 1947, adding for the benefit of doubters, "This has happened."

—A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson

"BUSY?"

—Absolutely Normal, Ann Roy

STOKEDNESS

Getting stoked is as big a part of growing up as "living large" or "getting weirded out."

—Onion News Network

BOSSMAN

GOOD TEXT

BEARD THEORY

STRIPPERS RIDE FREE

3:23 PM me: amazing

3:24 PM best merchant name ever

  from the redemption days

  a strip club in texas

  called

  "brass ovaries"

 dbrouwer: ha

3:25 PM me: super gross

3:28 PM dbrouwer: what if CTA buses had strippers on them? Like, grinding all over the stainless steel poles?

  just for tips

  and there would be a "one at a time rule"

3:29 PM so multiple strippers could take turns

  and not get too tired stripping up and down Lawrence avenue all day.

3:30 PM and the bus driver would sell $.89 sausages from a Styrofoam cooler.

 me: that's right

3:35 PM dbrouwer: "strippers ride free"

  rather than old people

 me: ha

  amazing!

  but they still have to pay 25 cents for transfers

BAKING BAD

Montrose cookie lab up and running again:

My hardware/ingredients are finally back...

 ...after some weeks of remote baking in the North Center lab with baking partner Browner (alias R. Slone)

These here are chocolate coffee brainmelt flavored ("Heisenberg cookies"). My product is 99.1% pure— you could sell these at twice the normal street value.

Recipes to be posted soon.

HOT MAYONNAISE