Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
THE ONLY THREE FOODS / USEFULNESS
5:21 AM
me: strugglecrisp
5:24 AM dbrouwer: thats a cereal from the 1930's, and you get it free when you go on unemployment in some former confederate states
5:25 AM me: i like that idea
dbrouwer: they still have a silo full of it in Georgia
5:26 AM me: its non-perishable, so its not that big a deal
someone will eat it eventually
thats what georgia keeps telling itself
5:27 AM dbrouwer: Prospertarts
me: thats like the opposite of strugglecrisp
5:28 AM dbrouwer: and then a product for working class people, just called "endsmeat"
me: amazing
dbrouwer: would be in betwix
5:29 AM if you work two jobs, you can get off strugglecrisp, and get endsmeat
5:30 AM and some day, you may just get prospertarts
me: prospertarts are much coveted
its like the rolls royce of foods
5:31 AM dbrouwer: immigrants hoard all their prospertarts for their children, so they never have to taste the stale strugglecrisp
5:32 AM but real americans use credit cards to buy prospertarts, when they should just stick to endsmeat
i want this to be a book now
5:33 AM
dbrouwer: about the american class system for children
me: its a compelling scenariodbrouwer: "the only three foods"
abridged
5:34 AM dbrouwer: or it could be interactive cd-rom
with free tribe called quest digital downloads
5:35 AM me: incrediblethe government is always trying to placate the poor people by offering them free tribe called quest download coupons in their boxes of strugglecrisp
and they keep falling for it
it works like a charmme: the cereal box will have this iconic depression photo on it http://www.spartacus.
5:38 AM dbrouwer: do people use instant messaging for anything other than broken idea building?
5:38 AM dbrouwer: do people use instant messaging for anything other than broken idea building?
its 95% of my use
me: aside from us? yes
but for us, no
thats our only use
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
THE SQUEEZE
Plenty else can go wrong, however. In the days of diving suits— the sort that were connected to the surface by long hoses— divers sometimes experienced a dreaded phenomenon known as "the squeeze." This occurred when the surface pumps failed, leading to a catastrophic loss of pressure in the suit. The air would leave the suit with such violence that the hapless diver would be, all too literally, sucked up into the helmet and hosepipe. When hauled to the surface, "All that is left in the suit are his bones and some rags of flesh," the biologist J.B.S. Haldane wrote in 1947, adding for the benefit of doubters, "This has happened."
—A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson
—A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson
STOKEDNESS
Getting stoked is as big a part of growing up as "living large" or "getting weirded out."
—Onion News Network
—Onion News Network
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
STRIPPERS RIDE FREE
3:23 PM me: amazing
3:24 PM best merchant name ever
from the redemption days
a strip club in texas
called
"brass ovaries"
dbrouwer: ha
3:25 PM me: super gross
3:28 PM dbrouwer: what if CTA buses had strippers on them? Like, grinding all over the stainless steel poles?
just for tips
and there would be a "one at a time rule"
3:29 PM so multiple strippers could take turns
and not get too tired stripping up and down Lawrence avenue all day.
3:30 PM and the bus driver would sell $.89 sausages from a Styrofoam cooler.
me: that's right
3:35 PM dbrouwer: "strippers ride free"
rather than old people
me: ha
amazing!
but they still have to pay 25 cents for transfers
BAKING BAD
Montrose cookie lab up and running again:
My hardware/ingredients are finally back...
...after some weeks of remote baking in the North Center lab with baking partner Browner (alias R. Slone)
These here are chocolate coffee brainmelt flavored ("Heisenberg cookies"). My product is 99.1% pure— you could sell these at twice the normal street value.
Recipes to be posted soon.
My hardware/ingredients are finally back...
...after some weeks of remote baking in the North Center lab with baking partner Browner (alias R. Slone)
These here are chocolate coffee brainmelt flavored ("Heisenberg cookies"). My product is 99.1% pure— you could sell these at twice the normal street value.
Recipes to be posted soon.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
SPRINKLE CHAT / FAIRY BREAD
12:34 PMi like the idea of a dude who is famous on tv for having a cooking show
like emeril or rachael ray
12:35 PM and his little gimmick, right near the end of each recipe, is to say "throw a few sprinkles on top and you're all set!"
he puts sprinkles on everything
but only a dash of sprinkles
Evan: or he has a catchphrase like
"sprinkle me this"
12:36 PM me: he addresses his audience as "my fellow sprinklers"
hey there sprinklers and sprinklettes!
Evan: when he's done, he says "sprinkled sprankled sprunkled"
me: on this episode we will be making sprinkle salad!
12:37 PM his name is "chef ronny sprinkles"
12:38 PM hes got a sprinkle cannon that he shoots into the audience
makes a huge mess
the guys who clean the studio after the show really resent him
12:42 PM Evan: he also travels around the world
taking in local sprinkles
12:43 PM and also cooks "fusion" cuisine
mixing american with asian sprinkles
From here we began investigating actual recipes that require sprinkles which soon led to the discovery of "Fairy Bread"— a treat from down under. It's what gives the Aussies their crazy accent.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
HALLOWEEN IN CHICAGOLAND
An old comic from Ivan Brunetti's magically good comic class— pulled out from the archives and declassified:
Friday, October 28, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
TUESDAY NIGHT RAIN
10:04 PM me: rain city
Evan: it's like a rain volcano
10:06 PM me: it's as though cats and dogs were falling from the sky, in the form of water
10:07 PM Evan: it's like someone warmed up a blizzard
10:09 PM me: it's as though someone has got the world's largest super soaker and they just don't care where they're shooting it
10:10 PM Evan: it's like someone instead of saying it decided to spray it
10:13 PM me: it's as though lake michigan bought a groupon for skydive chicago and is using it right now
10:17 PM Evan: it's like someone took a whole bag of gushers and put them in their mouth at once (on a cloud)
10:19 PM me: it's as though a bunch of clouds just competed in a 10k run for charity, and now they're all sweaty and sweating on us
10:22 PM Evan: it's like a fish family is moving across country but the movers drove to the wrong house
10:23 PM me: it's as though they built a second shedd aquarium up there and have yet to work out all the kinks
10:24 PM Evan: it's as if the lamestream media told sarah palin not to dump water over everybody and she's going rogue
10:26 PM me: it's as though today is alanis morissette's wedding day
10:28 PM Evan: it's as if it's an alternate universe where shannon hoon never existed and never wrote his hit song
10:30 PM me: it's as though the umbrella industry is in collusion with the clouds in order to drive up sales
10:32 PM Evan: it's as if all the fat kids in public pools did simultaneous belly flops
10:33 PM me: it's as though the clouds are jr. high school kids who have just taught each other how to gleek
10:37 PM Evan: sorry to change the subject
but ha
10:38 PM ____ is suggesting for my story tomorrow, i read a version of the synopsis i sent of the whole year
me: it's okay, i was running dry on water jokes
Evan: ooooo good one
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
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